St Gabriel Windows

St Gabriel Windows
Photocopy c. 2013 Jamie Laubacher

Wednesday, November 02, 2011

Pondering a different year..

This year as I’ve mentioned before has been very different and in many ways while seemingly freeing….difficult and challenging.  I suppose I have traded what appeared to be freedom (unSchooling), for a schedule that is rigorous and demanding.  Traveling to therapies and working on homework in regard to them has taken up a lot of our time.  My son with OCD/anxiety dreads the weekly trips…one of his phobias is driving, and having to drive 45 mins from here – sometimes 3 to 4 times a week – is his worst enemy faced. To say it has been very hard is an understatement.  My nerves have been frayed on most days, and I’m sure my stellar low pressure has been up.  There is also the pending fear of hearing:….I’m nervous! I’m nervous!…I want to go home…let’s go home…. (when we are but 5 mins from our destination).  I hear it weekly.  It’s hard to go into facilities with a son that is in tears and shaking terribly as if a ghost just snatched him up.  People look at us like…..what is that about??…..I feel like hiding….it’s quite an awful feeling but I have now been so embarrassed and humiliated by these scenes, I’m not sure there is much more to endure.  And so it goes…..

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One thing that has kind of lightened the doom and gloom of these trips is we are closer to all the wonderful stores that we don’t have in our rural area.  So, on occasion we have been able to subject my poor mother to traveling with us and our odd behaviors (er ahem cough cough), and visit one of our favorite places TARGET.  I have enjoyed “getting out” although it is always stressful…..but yet, I do get to see what’s out there, buy some badly needed items like clothing for all members of the family, and household goods, and get away with a wonderful Starbucks coffee as we leave.  This TARGET store has a Starbucks in it…..lucky me.  So, I endure.

We are plugging along with school…rather slowly….but they are learning.  I guess this year, all I can ask is for some progress in academia…..but more progress in helping these boys beyond their disabilities and disorders.  Some days it’s more than I can bear, and yet, I am bearing it….not patiently some days, not gracefully…not happily…..I am not proud to admit many days I fail terribly at all of it.  I hear myself saying, I am not a nurse, I am not a maid…I am just a mother…I’m not cut out for this above and beyond the call of duty….and yet, it seems to be what God is calling me to do.  So the little things…like a brief moment of normalcy the suddenly appears…I appreciate and revel in greatly.  A beautiful sunset, a pleasant breeze, the golden colors of fall……and the smell of the coffee brewing in what seems to still be night…..are all much more appreciated in my corner of the world.

I have a few close mom friends who help me stand my ground and stay sane; I hope I give them some sanity on those crazier days too.  I just know we all understand one another.  Another area I am very grateful for – simple friendships that are honest and trusting.  These women know me…I mean really know me….pretty much inside and out at this point ….there is not much we intend to hide or leave concealed as we are all using every bit of our mom strength to overcome the afflictions and hardships that find us.  God must have known we would need each other and He found a way to cause our paths to cross and stay connected for a very long time now. 

Well, I’ve over stayed my blog time…….Time to sign off and get little folks to bed….Busy day again tomorrow….not needing to travel as far, but off to enjoy our home school co-op with other families.

God bless!

Judging a person

2 comments:

Megan@TrueDaughter said...

That was a lovely post, Denise. And I hope that at some point, we can find a way to lighten your load. Maybe we can get your guys comfortable here, at least enough for you to go veg out with your husband for dinner, or a shopping trip alone. They both do so well here. Our boys sweet friendship is such a blessing to both of them, I think God put this in place to help them both along. Your guy with his eloquent speech and much more thoughtful language, and my super mellow fellow...they are quite the pair! And the younger guys do well together, too. We'll have to take it for a test run sometime.
You are always holding us all up, I hope I can return the favor. Blessings, Megan

Home School Mom: Denise said...

Thanks so much Megan. We are getting closer to trying to leave Mike again for a while and see what happens. He just hasn't had it in him, he wants to, but then he frets and just gives up the thought. We are going to attempt to make it a goal to conquer by the end of the year (fingers crossed!) lol! Thanks for the great friendships!!! Much love Denise